The Tiny Bubble

Our mini-Buzz at Disneyland yesterday.

May 4th

Two years ago, May 4th was just another day.

A year ago today, I was walking the halls of Cedars Sinai, praying my water would break on it’s on (spoiler alert- it didn’t.). Nervously laughing with Ian after a small contraction, preparing myself for the hours that were to come, and wondering how long those hours would work out to be. I was not enjoying a steady drip of pitocin, and my last sane thought as a woman in labor (you know, before the pain took over, and I lost my sanity), was simply “I am going to die.” I later enjoyed my glorious epidural, took a nap after being awake for far too many hours, and woke up with a baby who was finally ready to meet this world.

(I just realized that I have no idea who took this photo.)

May 4th, 2011 in a matter of hours, changed my perception of love, of peace, and most importantly, of life. At 6:18, after exactly 12 hours of labor, and 1 hour of pushing, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world- your cry, Robert Winston Broyles. I couldn’t see you immediately, and I was sobbing tears of joy the second you left my body, so any chance of seeing you clearly was even more a feat. Everyone said you were beautiful, BIG, healthy- but I just needed to see you. Every minute felt like hours, so when your Daddy finally walked you over and laid you on my chest, I lost it again. You were instantly the greatest love I had ever experienced, and life finally made sense. Not to mention, you were really, really cute.

This past year has been a year of joy. Joy in waking up in the mornings, because you’re in the next room. Joy in seeing you use your imagination, and in watching you learn. JOY IN LAUGHING. It’s also been a year of tears, for the both of us. From shots and boo-boo’s, to Baby Blues and tears of happy, we’ve pretty much got the (ugly) cry down. You came into this world making us smile, and made our lives full of love all year long. You continue to humble me (hello, baby poop), and teach me about love in ways that make you wise beyond your year.

Maybe the most important lesson you’ve taught me, though, has been how quickly life can change, and how embracing that change can create an even more beautiful life. May 4th will forever mean love and happiness to me. May 4th is your birthday, and the most amazing day of my life. I love you, Win.

Mama

Besties. (Taken with instagram)

Just hangin’ out in my fort… Pickin’ my nose… Playin’ cowboys… (Taken with instagram)

On Why I Quit Reading Mommy Blogs

In my most recent (er, and very few) posts, I have touched on how I am over writing, but like most things, there has been so much more to the story. Despite the fact that I have been uninspired to sit down and feel out my feelings with words, I’ve just wanted to avoid so many of my frequented Mommy Blogs, which is difficult to do when you open your blogging platform to write. And before anyone gets offended, please understand that this post is not an attack on anyone’s blog. I love reading so many of them, and I still do, but I have started filtering out the sugary sweet “motherhood is wonderful all the time” ones.

The realization that parenting isn’t a walk in the park was startling for me. Maybe it was because throughout my pregnancy, I felt that I had a pretty good idea on what parenting entailed, what babies are like, that there is a difficult element to it, etc., being that my Mother had a baby a few months before I turned 16. Also, when you don’t plan on becoming pregnant, life shifts in so many ways incredibly quickly, you would have to be a superhero to not feel completely jarred by the experience.

I’ve talked about my struggle with baby blues after I had Win, but I kept quiet on the feelings of sadness that plagued me for months, and sometimes, still do. You fall head over heels in love with this tiny little human who shares your blood, and you cannot imagine life without them, but when sleep deprivation sets in, and your days become a monotonous routine, (in my case) a feeling of worthlessness sets in. Feelings of guilt that I could be doing more. That I should have gone back to work, that I should be exercising, that I should be cleaning everything, all the time. The reality of the situation was that we had planned on me staying home from my job. As lovely as it was, the price of sending Win to daycare would exceed my income. I would have loved to of exercised and cleaned every day, but without family or a nanny to help you get through some days, I was simply too exhausted to tackle a daily to-do list for months.

I shared my frustrations with Ian late at night, normally through tears after another long struggle of getting Win to bed. I wanted to feel like I had some sort of control in my life. I wasn’t (fiscally speaking) bringing anything to the table, and I was too blinded by sadness to recognize that my job as a Mom was worth so much more than a paycheck for our family. Ian suggested I write more often, and turn my hobby into a job. Create an income. I decided to research all of the top mom blogs, and start there.

It was exciting, and I quickly took interest in trying to make my blog work for me. I was enjoying reading through the popular Mom blogs, and they would occasionally inspire me to write more, write better, write happier. With taking cues from these women, I decided to put 50% of my sadness in a box, and just not talk about it. I wanted to be honest, and while I have been even with omissions, postpartum depression was like a scary man following me through an alley. I just wanted to run away from acknowledging that being a stay at home mom can sometimes really suck. So I ran to the popular happy blogs, and I focused on writing as happily as I possibly could. It was therapeutic. Being able to just say nice things really helped me focus on all the wonderful qualities my life entailed. It was a nice reminder that, even though he wouldn’t sleep, I had a wonderful, happy baby whom I loved.

As I continued on a self destructive path of avoiding the darker side of my feelings, I started to feel envious of the things I read on other blogs. Babies sleeping perfectly. Successful working mothers. Children spoiled with endless amounts of toys. Being able to breastfeed past (our) 6 months. More advanced children. Overly happy couples (you seriously can not tell me you do not argue with your spouse, and want to kill them at times). I started to compare my life to other women’s, my child to other children (writing that one, admitting I do that, is like a punch in the gut- ugh). While I believe in focusing on positive things you want in your life, there is a fine line between wishing for things you want, and feeling envious over things you think you “need” or “deserve.” This added heaps to by growing sadness, and created a problem in my relationship. Suddenly my life wasn’t good enough, and I simply felt icky.

When I tearfully (yeah, I cry a lot) explained to Ian about how I didn’t want to write anymore because I couldn’t compete, he was the one to slap me (metaphorically speaking) back into reality. Wasn’t my mission in blogging to just be honest about everything? I lost my honesty when I tried to rival my fellow bloggers. Understanding this, I lost interest in sharing mostly anything, and decided to regroup and refocus my energy on being happier. Spending less time thinking about what would make a good post, and more time on soaking up the quickly evaporating infancy of my son. I’m so glad I did. I am so glad I have people in my life who listen to my cries for help (literally speaking), and motivate me to get in a better place, mentally. Physically will always be in the works ;).

As for today, I knew I wanted to write, and when I sat down to do so, the first thing that came to my mind was this brutal honesty. I guess you can say I am back.

Xo
Ty

PS: An update on the Sleepeasy Solution. I still cannot say enough good things about this book. We traveled 5 days into ‘training,’ but I stuck to my guns. Even with sharing a room with Winston, I made sure I followed the book according to plan. He cried (obviously, being in a strange place), but we made it through, and I am happy, ecstatic, overjoyed to announce that this kid not only sleeps through the night, but he now puts himself to bed and naps. We do our sleepy routine, and he happily goes into his crib, rolls over, and falls asleep on his own. We have had a few nights of 1 am wake ups, but we are attributing it to teething, as it’s out of the ordinary, and the pains are seemingly painful (I feel like I could write an entire post on understanding your child’s specific cries). I urge every parent to read the book, buy it for a friend, baby shower gift it- anything and everything. Consider me the leader of the fan club.

PPS: Do you die?????

Golden Gate <3 (Taken with instagram)

Relax (Taken with instagram)

We’ve had a looooonnnggg day! (Taken with instagram)

10 Months, 10 Days.

Oh, Hello Again.

Hey, Amazon Mom. Stop calling my baby a toddler. Thanks. (Taken with instagram)