The Tiny Bubble

Our mini-Buzz at Disneyland yesterday.

Wed, 23 May 2012 15:28:14 -0700

Our mini-Buzz at Disneyland yesterday.

May 4th

Fri, 04 May 2012 21:45:17 -0700

Two years ago, May 4th was just another day.

A year ago today, I was walking the halls of Cedars Sinai, praying my water would break on it’s on (spoiler alert- it didn’t.). Nervously laughing with Ian after a small contraction, preparing myself for the hours that were to come, and wondering how long those hours would work out to be. I was not enjoying a steady drip of pitocin, and my last sane thought as a woman in labor (you know, before the pain took over, and I lost my sanity), was simply “I am going to die.” I later enjoyed my glorious epidural, took a nap after being awake for far too many hours, and woke up with a baby who was finally ready to meet this world.

(I just realized that I have no idea who took this photo.)

May 4th, 2011 in a matter of hours, changed my perception of love, of peace, and most importantly, of life. At 6:18, after exactly 12 hours of labor, and 1 hour of pushing, I heard the most beautiful sound in the world- your cry, Robert Winston Broyles. I couldn’t see you immediately, and I was sobbing tears of joy the second you left my body, so any chance of seeing you clearly was even more a feat. Everyone said you were beautiful, BIG, healthy- but I just needed to see you. Every minute felt like hours, so when your Daddy finally walked you over and laid you on my chest, I lost it again. You were instantly the greatest love I had ever experienced, and life finally made sense. Not to mention, you were really, really cute.

This past year has been a year of joy. Joy in waking up in the mornings, because you’re in the next room. Joy in seeing you use your imagination, and in watching you learn. JOY IN LAUGHING. It’s also been a year of tears, for the both of us. From shots and boo-boo’s, to Baby Blues and tears of happy, we’ve pretty much got the (ugly) cry down. You came into this world making us smile, and made our lives full of love all year long. You continue to humble me (hello, baby poop), and teach me about love in ways that make you wise beyond your year.

Maybe the most important lesson you’ve taught me, though, has been how quickly life can change, and how embracing that change can create an even more beautiful life. May 4th will forever mean love and happiness to me. May 4th is your birthday, and the most amazing day of my life. I love you, Win.

Mama

Besties. (Taken with instagram)

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 19:55:16 -0700

Besties. (Taken with instagram)

Just hangin’ out in my fort… Pickin’ my...

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 12:36:49 -0700

Just hangin’ out in my fort… Pickin’ my nose… Playin’ cowboys… (Taken with instagram)

On Why I Quit Reading Mommy Blogs

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 14:30:48 -0700

In my most recent (er, and very few) posts, I have touched on how I am over writing, but like most things, there has been so much more to the story. Despite the fact that I have been uninspired to sit down and feel out my feelings with words, I’ve just wanted to avoid so many of my frequented Mommy Blogs, which is difficult to do when you open your blogging platform to write. And before anyone gets offended, please understand that this post is not an attack on anyone’s blog. I love reading so many of them, and I still do, but I have started filtering out the sugary sweet “motherhood is wonderful all the time” ones.

The realization that parenting isn’t a walk in the park was startling for me. Maybe it was because throughout my pregnancy, I felt that I had a pretty good idea on what parenting entailed, what babies are like, that there is a difficult element to it, etc., being that my Mother had a baby a few months before I turned 16. Also, when you don’t plan on becoming pregnant, life shifts in so many ways incredibly quickly, you would have to be a superhero to not feel completely jarred by the experience.

I’ve talked about my struggle with baby blues after I had Win, but I kept quiet on the feelings of sadness that plagued me for months, and sometimes, still do. You fall head over heels in love with this tiny little human who shares your blood, and you cannot imagine life without them, but when sleep deprivation sets in, and your days become a monotonous routine, (in my case) a feeling of worthlessness sets in. Feelings of guilt that I could be doing more. That I should have gone back to work, that I should be exercising, that I should be cleaning everything, all the time. The reality of the situation was that we had planned on me staying home from my job. As lovely as it was, the price of sending Win to daycare would exceed my income. I would have loved to of exercised and cleaned every day, but without family or a nanny to help you get through some days, I was simply too exhausted to tackle a daily to-do list for months.

I shared my frustrations with Ian late at night, normally through tears after another long struggle of getting Win to bed. I wanted to feel like I had some sort of control in my life. I wasn’t (fiscally speaking) bringing anything to the table, and I was too blinded by sadness to recognize that my job as a Mom was worth so much more than a paycheck for our family. Ian suggested I write more often, and turn my hobby into a job. Create an income. I decided to research all of the top mom blogs, and start there.

It was exciting, and I quickly took interest in trying to make my blog work for me. I was enjoying reading through the popular Mom blogs, and they would occasionally inspire me to write more, write better, write happier. With taking cues from these women, I decided to put 50% of my sadness in a box, and just not talk about it. I wanted to be honest, and while I have been even with omissions, postpartum depression was like a scary man following me through an alley. I just wanted to run away from acknowledging that being a stay at home mom can sometimes really suck. So I ran to the popular happy blogs, and I focused on writing as happily as I possibly could. It was therapeutic. Being able to just say nice things really helped me focus on all the wonderful qualities my life entailed. It was a nice reminder that, even though he wouldn’t sleep, I had a wonderful, happy baby whom I loved.

As I continued on a self destructive path of avoiding the darker side of my feelings, I started to feel envious of the things I read on other blogs. Babies sleeping perfectly. Successful working mothers. Children spoiled with endless amounts of toys. Being able to breastfeed past (our) 6 months. More advanced children. Overly happy couples (you seriously can not tell me you do not argue with your spouse, and want to kill them at times). I started to compare my life to other women’s, my child to other children (writing that one, admitting I do that, is like a punch in the gut- ugh). While I believe in focusing on positive things you want in your life, there is a fine line between wishing for things you want, and feeling envious over things you think you “need” or “deserve.” This added heaps to by growing sadness, and created a problem in my relationship. Suddenly my life wasn’t good enough, and I simply felt icky.

When I tearfully (yeah, I cry a lot) explained to Ian about how I didn’t want to write anymore because I couldn’t compete, he was the one to slap me (metaphorically speaking) back into reality. Wasn’t my mission in blogging to just be honest about everything? I lost my honesty when I tried to rival my fellow bloggers. Understanding this, I lost interest in sharing mostly anything, and decided to regroup and refocus my energy on being happier. Spending less time thinking about what would make a good post, and more time on soaking up the quickly evaporating infancy of my son. I’m so glad I did. I am so glad I have people in my life who listen to my cries for help (literally speaking), and motivate me to get in a better place, mentally. Physically will always be in the works ;).

As for today, I knew I wanted to write, and when I sat down to do so, the first thing that came to my mind was this brutal honesty. I guess you can say I am back.

Xo
Ty

PS: An update on the Sleepeasy Solution. I still cannot say enough good things about this book. We traveled 5 days into ‘training,’ but I stuck to my guns. Even with sharing a room with Winston, I made sure I followed the book according to plan. He cried (obviously, being in a strange place), but we made it through, and I am happy, ecstatic, overjoyed to announce that this kid not only sleeps through the night, but he now puts himself to bed and naps. We do our sleepy routine, and he happily goes into his crib, rolls over, and falls asleep on his own. We have had a few nights of 1 am wake ups, but we are attributing it to teething, as it’s out of the ordinary, and the pains are seemingly painful (I feel like I could write an entire post on understanding your child’s specific cries). I urge every parent to read the book, buy it for a friend, baby shower gift it- anything and everything. Consider me the leader of the fan club.

PPS: Do you die?????

Golden Gate <3 (Taken with instagram)

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 14:59:39 -0700

Golden Gate <3 (Taken with instagram)

Relax (Taken with instagram)

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 15:44:46 -0700

Relax (Taken with instagram)

We’ve had a looooonnnggg day! (Taken with instagram)

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:57:01 -0700

We’ve had a looooonnnggg day! (Taken with instagram)

10 Months, 10 Days.

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 22:42:00 -0700

Oh, Hello Again.

(“Sup, girl.”)

My precious, darling, adorable, silly, curious, stubborn boy. Today you are 10 months and 10 days old. Today isn’t an important day. No new “tricks” were learned, (well, besides the fact that I finally let you cry it out and it worked, but more on that later,) but it didn’t make today any less special than what every other day with you is. You, my Silly Bugs, are my joy. You are mine. As much as you drive me crazy, you humble me, and make me a better, happier, and more fulfilled person. If you’re ever reading this, and feeling like you aren’t accomplished, please know that you have more success, more power than what you probably think you do. You changed the life of a girl, and you created a woman. Take pride in that.

You have grown so much since my last post. Your vocabulary has gone from “Dada” and “Rara” (the short lived version of ‘Mama,’ that I was overjoyed to hear, since you never addressed me with more than a smile before recently), all the way to being filled with “MAMA” (oh, holy heavens above, how that word can melt a soul when spoken directly to you, with meaning), “Car,” “Dog,” and “Baba,” which I will count, even though you use it when you want a Bottle or a Banana. You are brilliant, and you’re not just babbling off words. You point to the cars, to the dogs, bananas, and you hold up your empty “baba.” You know these things, and I couldn’t be more thrilled, more proud. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure we will be dog owners sooner rather than later, because your fascination with dogs is indestructible. Over the weekend, you spent most of Sunday night chasing the Adams’ family dog around their home. Up stairs, attempted falls down the stairs, and all around, you gave this dog a run for his money. Your smiles and giggles were out of control.

While all of this is wonderful and brilliant, it doesn’t surpass Saturday night’s moment of your first steps. As your Dad and I relaxed, you decided to kick it up a notch, stand up, and go for it. You had attempted a step for a few nights prior, but always ended up sitting, seemingly defeated. You will never remember this, but I would tell you I believed in you, and you could do it, so imagine our minds when you stood up and took two steps. Two steps became three, and three became five. You were out of control, and bringing this Mom to tears. Maybe it’s that my baby is moving into toddlerhood (spoiler alert, that’s definitely it), but regardless, you blew my mind, my Joy.

(You also take joy in destructing barricades, like here, when you are pulling your toy box backwards. Seriously, Hercules?)

You wave when we are at the grocery store, and clap your hands as we walk through the aisles. And you point! Oh, how you point! Sometimes you fall asleep with your pointer finger ready to go, mostly because you fell asleep pointing to something. People stop what they are doing and come over to pinch your feet, because you have way of captivating even the busiest of strangers. You’re rarely shy. Your Father likes to say you are like your Mama, stubborn. Even with all of these new tricks, you will still only do them if it’s on your time. There is no getting you to do something you are not interested in doing in that moment (okay, you are like your Mama). If you’re reading this and you’re simply curious as to who you were as a baby, know you were a happy, curious (how do you manage to find every electrical socket in the house? every crumb on the floor? every place to jam your finger?), funny little boy. You are full of personality, and such a little love. You love giving hugs, kisses, and are always up for a snuggle.

I hope you maintain the ability to melt anyone’s heart, and bring out kindness in everyone you meet. You have the capability to provoke peace, and I pray you never forget that quality.

I love you, my little ham.

Mama

Before I sign off completely, I mentioned that we happened to cry it out tonight, and for the first time in 10 months, it actually worked. Months ago, my girlfriend Amy happened to lent me a book that I just got around to reading. The Sleepeasy Solution was so informative and sensitive, that I wanted to try it immediately, but the book states that you shouldn’t attempt any sleep training within 5-7 days of a milestone. So since Win walked on Saturday, I waited for this evening to give it a go. Before when we would cry it out, I would make so many mistakes. From staying in the room for too long, to just giving up on the practice all together. Let me remind you guys, our doctor actually told us NOT to cry it out, and stated that Win is not one of the children that this does not benefit. But when his idea was not working (staying in the room until he fell asleep, with out holding him), and several nights of 3-5 wake ups and 1 or 2 bottles, we needed to give something else a go. I reached to the book out of curiosity, and I feel like we finally found our cure. The Sleepeasy Solution does involve crying it out, but not in the sense that you abandon your child. You console them with out holding them, and VERY briefly (less than 30 seconds). Before, we would go in to console, and stay long past our welcome, which would only reinforce the crying. While it was still horrifying to hear him cry, I am happy to report that he went down exactly one hour after we began, on his own. Not to mention, my kitchen is spotless, since I had to do something to keep myself from throwing in the towel.

I can’t wait to blog more about using the Sleepeasy methods, and keep you guys updated. Once again, sleepless parents for 10 months+, you are (STILL) not alone.

Until then,

PS- For some reason, Tumblr isn’t letting me break up some paragraphs. I apologize for the intense look of this blog. Please blame Tumblr.

Hey, Amazon Mom. Stop calling my baby a toddler. Thanks. (Taken...

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 07:50:52 -0700

Hey, Amazon Mom. Stop calling my baby a toddler. Thanks. (Taken with instagram)

So this happened during laundry time… Let the games begin!

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:41:12 -0800

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

So this happened during laundry time… Let the games begin!

Video

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:59:32 -0800

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

The great Ferris Bueller once said, “life moves pretty...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:44:56 -0800

The great Ferris Bueller once said, “life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” So where have I been? Obsessing over parenthood, in hopes I don’t miss a thing.

In the early beginnings of parenthood, your days bleed into nights so easily, that a month will pass you by in what feels like mere hours. As your child grows, life morphs into a routine that defines your days so perfectly, that instead of time slowing, it speeds it up. Morning coffee, a nap, an errand, a play date, lunch, nap, shower, reading, dinner, bed. The outline of your day can become to precise, that before you know it, it’s time to start your day all over again. It’s a beautiful, exhausting whirlwind of a life.

I no longer fight sleep so that I can find another moment to myself. I am learning that moments with my son that are spent more alert and engaged, are ten times more appealing that slow blinking through another day. Maybe that’s been another reason why I quit blogging, but it’s been much more rewarding for me- mentally and physically. But why I am here, then? Because there will always be the part of me that needs to write my heart out. Spill everything that is building up within. Sometimes I feel it’s the quickest way to truth- my keyboard, my quiet, my time.

The other truth is, I kind of gave up on blogging. I’ve written my heart out for four years and counting, and it wasn’t until I started thinking about taking writing up seriously, that I began to feel burdened. It’s the reason why I never took up art in college as my mother had suggested- because once I start feeling like it’s a must, it loses it’s appeal and stops being fun. This is simply, and will remain, my place to pour. It will be the virtual baby book/ diary of motherhood that I need it to be. So that is the end of that chapter.

Today is special. Today I watched my son walk for the first time. Before you get too excited, I mean I watched him walk with the aid of a walker. A tiny, adorable wooden toy that has the ability to support walking with out potentially causing injury. Last week I watched him stand alone for the first time, which was amazing in itself, and even though he’s been turning everything into a walker, something about today took my breath away. It might have been the fact that this toy was made for the job. That it had wheels which moved faster than an old box being pushed along the floor. Watching his feet move in front of the other, the smile on his face, the sound of all of it. It was magical.

The moments that feel like that, so magical, aren’t every single moment of my day, which is what makes them so wondeful. There are still days where I don’t feel like I did the best I could do as a parent. A failure, if I am feeling especially dramatic. Too much TV, not enough stimulation, not enough activity, too much activity, the lack of a bath, etc. There are moments where I just feel so tired. I’m still learning that it’s okay to feel exhausted; it’s what you do in those down moments that define you as a bad/good/great parent. I’ve learned that being a stay at home parent is more than what I ever thought it was. Demanding isn’t even the right word. I look back at days where all I had to do was roll out of bed, maybe pick up after myself, and have a single goal of looking appropriate, yet feeling so overwhelmed by the demands of regular life. Having laundry wait on you isn’t nearly as serious as having a human child stare at you in a way that is asking “what’s next?,” and I miss it at times. I miss the freedom of actually needing an alarm clock. The feeling of having a weekend. Cooking a meal with out juggling several things, including that beautiful human baby, all at once. It’s a balancing act, it’s love, it’s energy. It’s something I never understood before, but completely understand now. And you single mothers? Where is your crown?

A humbling, completely raw moment hit me last week as I went to get water during a lunch date with a friend. As I filled my glass, I listened to an old man ask a young woman who took care of her baby while she nannied. I turned around and saw a woman my age, holding a darling baby girl who was maybe 3 months old, and tell the man “my Mom.” I instantly felt selfish for feeling overwhelmed. It’s a blessing. He is mine. He is being raised by me, and I am blessed to be able to live a life where that it possible. While it’s fine to feel tired, it’s essential to remain grateful for the opportunity alone.

So today, when I watched him walk around the house, so delighted in his own power, I cried. This doesn’t mean too much, as I cried earlier in the day during naptime, as I watched an episode of Maury, and sobbed my way through a paternity test reveal. Yeah that happened. I’m on my period, and I am selfishly relishing in all of my crazy emotions, as well as chocolate. Heaps and heaps of chocolate. But my baby put one foot in front of another today. He smiled and waved at strangers. He fed himself breakfast, lunch and dinner, and best of all, he laughed.

Even with those moments of exhaustion, the anxiety of feeling like you’re failing in some way, and the humbling that can come from eavesdropping, come joy in developmental milestones. And of course, with that joy comes the fear of time, and how ridiculously quick it seems to flow. It always comes full circle, I suppose.

Absorb it all.

Beach Baby

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:12:33 -0800

Beach Baby

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:22:19 -0800

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Win on Madonna. He has A LOT to say.

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:17:35 -0800

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

Win on Madonna. He has A LOT to say.

You know what we have done today? Nothing. Well, not really...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:41:14 -0800

You know what we have done today?

Nothing.

Well, not really nothing, but that to-do list is still sitting on my table, waiting to be looked over, checked off (er, and now added to), is simply untouched.

I tried folding clothes, but it’s difficult when your curious baby finds neatly folded clothes interesting to dig through. After folding and refolding a few times, I gave up on the laundry portion of my afternoon, and after a mid-nap wake up, I realized nothing that I had planned for my day was going to go the way I had imagined.

Since Win isn’t feeling well, I took him to the couch to lay with me. Normally, he squirms, cries, or does a death dive off of me to get away, but today- Oh, today.

Instead of struggling to move away from me, he stayed on my chest for 30 minutes. 30 minutes of complete motherhood bliss, which may not sound like much to you, but to me, is everything. Every now and then, he would crane his neck back to look at me, giving me a sweet smile, and then turn back away. He was rhythmically moving his feet against my legs, while keeping one arm wrapped tightly around mine. With every tiny move I made, he would respond by grasping that arm even tighter. He was clinging to me, not understanding that I wouldn’t dare break up a snuggle session so soon.

After 30 minutes passed, he was once again ready to go, so we played more fold/unfold, and then he ate while I boredom baked. After I finished my cookie batter, I realized Win was covered in avocado. We played in the bath, and now, he is finally asleep in his crib.

Now I can do everything I need to. Now I can attack that to-do list, and maybe find time for a little mid-day yoga. I caught myself saying “Ian is going to kill me when he gets home,” but I’m starting to realize that days like today are the memories of tomorrow. Will I remember that day I made sure everything was perfectly clean? Will I remember how I cleaned the sink meticulously after doing all the dishes? Will I remember the shiny floors?

Or will I remember the baby who just wanted to hang out on his Mom? The one who wanted to paint himself in avocado? The little boy who wanted to splash in the bath?

I think my day was just right.

In one of the early episodes of Up All Night, Will Arnett says...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:20:20 -0800

In one of the early episodes of Up All Night, Will Arnett says something to Christina Applegate about how the last time she updated her Facebook status, she was on her way to the hospital to give birth. This is a ha-ha moment, because their baby is, like, older.

Anyways. This is my delayed Facebook status. We are home, we are well. Well, besides little monkey chunk man who happens to have a cough and what sounds like a sore throat. But, we are home. That is all that matters.

So much to talk about- Christmas, New Years, TRAVELING, …cleansing (please excuse my broken out face, as toxins are fleeing from my body in every way, shape, form)! Now, all I need to do is write….

Later.

;)

I’m still alive! The trip is going wonderfully, but...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 06:19:45 -0800

I’m still alive!

The trip is going wonderfully, but unfortunately, since Win’s routine has been so messed up, he hasn’t been sleeping. After fighting it for a couple weeks, I changed my flight from the 18th to the 11th. Looking forward to writing a nice, long Christmas/New Year/Travel post once home.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to be quiet on the blog front, soaking up everything Nashville has to offer me: family, friends and good food.

What a bittersweet thing it is to leave one home for another.

Xo!

So, my last airplane post, I said Win had taken four previous...

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 21:01:20 -0800

So, my last airplane post, I said Win had taken four previous flights. Incorrect. That was his fifth.

And today was his SIXTH! Which we celebrated by sleeping the entire flight.

Loving this traveling thing.

Hello, Nashville!