The Tiny Bubble

On Why I Quit Reading Mommy Blogs

In my most recent (er, and very few) posts, I have touched on how I am over writing, but like most things, there has been so much more to the story. Despite the fact that I have been uninspired to sit down and feel out my feelings with words, I’ve just wanted to avoid so many of my frequented Mommy Blogs, which is difficult to do when you open your blogging platform to write. And before anyone gets offended, please understand that this post is not an attack on anyone’s blog. I love reading so many of them, and I still do, but I have started filtering out the sugary sweet “motherhood is wonderful all the time” ones.

The realization that parenting isn’t a walk in the park was startling for me. Maybe it was because throughout my pregnancy, I felt that I had a pretty good idea on what parenting entailed, what babies are like, that there is a difficult element to it, etc., being that my Mother had a baby a few months before I turned 16. Also, when you don’t plan on becoming pregnant, life shifts in so many ways incredibly quickly, you would have to be a superhero to not feel completely jarred by the experience.

I’ve talked about my struggle with baby blues after I had Win, but I kept quiet on the feelings of sadness that plagued me for months, and sometimes, still do. You fall head over heels in love with this tiny little human who shares your blood, and you cannot imagine life without them, but when sleep deprivation sets in, and your days become a monotonous routine, (in my case) a feeling of worthlessness sets in. Feelings of guilt that I could be doing more. That I should have gone back to work, that I should be exercising, that I should be cleaning everything, all the time. The reality of the situation was that we had planned on me staying home from my job. As lovely as it was, the price of sending Win to daycare would exceed my income. I would have loved to of exercised and cleaned every day, but without family or a nanny to help you get through some days, I was simply too exhausted to tackle a daily to-do list for months.

I shared my frustrations with Ian late at night, normally through tears after another long struggle of getting Win to bed. I wanted to feel like I had some sort of control in my life. I wasn’t (fiscally speaking) bringing anything to the table, and I was too blinded by sadness to recognize that my job as a Mom was worth so much more than a paycheck for our family. Ian suggested I write more often, and turn my hobby into a job. Create an income. I decided to research all of the top mom blogs, and start there.

It was exciting, and I quickly took interest in trying to make my blog work for me. I was enjoying reading through the popular Mom blogs, and they would occasionally inspire me to write more, write better, write happier. With taking cues from these women, I decided to put 50% of my sadness in a box, and just not talk about it. I wanted to be honest, and while I have been even with omissions, postpartum depression was like a scary man following me through an alley. I just wanted to run away from acknowledging that being a stay at home mom can sometimes really suck. So I ran to the popular happy blogs, and I focused on writing as happily as I possibly could. It was therapeutic. Being able to just say nice things really helped me focus on all the wonderful qualities my life entailed. It was a nice reminder that, even though he wouldn’t sleep, I had a wonderful, happy baby whom I loved.

As I continued on a self destructive path of avoiding the darker side of my feelings, I started to feel envious of the things I read on other blogs. Babies sleeping perfectly. Successful working mothers. Children spoiled with endless amounts of toys. Being able to breastfeed past (our) 6 months. More advanced children. Overly happy couples (you seriously can not tell me you do not argue with your spouse, and want to kill them at times). I started to compare my life to other women’s, my child to other children (writing that one, admitting I do that, is like a punch in the gut- ugh). While I believe in focusing on positive things you want in your life, there is a fine line between wishing for things you want, and feeling envious over things you think you “need” or “deserve.” This added heaps to by growing sadness, and created a problem in my relationship. Suddenly my life wasn’t good enough, and I simply felt icky.

When I tearfully (yeah, I cry a lot) explained to Ian about how I didn’t want to write anymore because I couldn’t compete, he was the one to slap me (metaphorically speaking) back into reality. Wasn’t my mission in blogging to just be honest about everything? I lost my honesty when I tried to rival my fellow bloggers. Understanding this, I lost interest in sharing mostly anything, and decided to regroup and refocus my energy on being happier. Spending less time thinking about what would make a good post, and more time on soaking up the quickly evaporating infancy of my son. I’m so glad I did. I am so glad I have people in my life who listen to my cries for help (literally speaking), and motivate me to get in a better place, mentally. Physically will always be in the works ;).

As for today, I knew I wanted to write, and when I sat down to do so, the first thing that came to my mind was this brutal honesty. I guess you can say I am back.

Xo
Ty

PS: An update on the Sleepeasy Solution. I still cannot say enough good things about this book. We traveled 5 days into ‘training,’ but I stuck to my guns. Even with sharing a room with Winston, I made sure I followed the book according to plan. He cried (obviously, being in a strange place), but we made it through, and I am happy, ecstatic, overjoyed to announce that this kid not only sleeps through the night, but he now puts himself to bed and naps. We do our sleepy routine, and he happily goes into his crib, rolls over, and falls asleep on his own. We have had a few nights of 1 am wake ups, but we are attributing it to teething, as it’s out of the ordinary, and the pains are seemingly painful (I feel like I could write an entire post on understanding your child’s specific cries). I urge every parent to read the book, buy it for a friend, baby shower gift it- anything and everything. Consider me the leader of the fan club.

PPS: Do you die?????

10 Months, 10 Days.

Oh, Hello Again.

Weird Things

I’m going through a busy period, where at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is update my blog. Forgive me. 

(But totally blame this guy. ;))

Luckily for you, I have something to talk about: Weirdness in Motherhood.

I live in Los Angeles, which tends to be a sometimes swanky, sometimes low class city. I enjoy the diversity, as each and every person keeps me on my toes. With that being said, Motherhood can become somewhat of a status, and where your child stands in everything from motor skills to height, becomes points on a scoreboard. If we are bottom lining it, let’s just say no one really cares if Little Jimmy is crawling before Older John. Alas, we aren’t just bottom lining it. I’m blogging because I am over it.

A few weeks ago, we were Sunday brunching it with a besty in Hermosa Beach. A Mom of an adorable toddler decided to come over to our table because Win was “too delicious” and she “just had to.” Everything was fine before she started asking questions like where we lived. I explained to her we were in the Valley, when she went off. “Good for you,” she said, with her perfect brown pony tail peaking out from her pristine ball cap. She seemingly had it all like a typical South Bay Mama (no offense intended, I’m totally stereotyping, which is hypocritical, I know). She was thin, decked out in expensive jogging gear, and stood gracefully behind a handsome husband. 

I liked her before she commented on how in the South Bay, Parenting is a competition. I got what she was saying completely. It’s not just that area of Los Angeles, LA itself, or even California. Everywhere, a Mother has ran into the One Upper. We all gave a acknowledging laugh, but before she could even take another breath, she asked us “So how tall is he? How much does he weigh?”

Sadly, this wasn’t an attempt at sarcasm. She was genuinely going to start grilling us on his stats. As we rattled them off with each question, she would fill us in on her own son’s over achievements or under achievements, before her Husband started to head towards the exit. She was practically yelling questions across tables before succumbing to her Husbands queue to leave. Ian pointed out her obvious jump from anti-competition to ring leader of the Mother Force, and we all agreed it was strange and silly.

Was it the first time? Obviously not. It happens on the daily. The second I meet a Mom with a baby that is even remotely close to my son’s age, the accomplishments of their own child begin to flow from their mouths like word vomit. Take for instance, our trip to Target today. As I am cruising the sippy cup aisle, I ran into a Mother of 7 month old twins. They were so stinking cute, so I had to tell her. Beautiful coiffes of hair that made them look like mini Bruno Mars’. They were to die for. 

Instantly, she noticed Win holding his own bottle, so she pointed out that only one of the Twin’s would do that. Feeling awkward, I started to plan my exit, when she started asking about Win crawling. 

“Is he crawling? Can he sit up? This one never sits up on his own. He does sometimes. He rocks. Does yours rock? HE CRAWLS? Really? How did you do that? WHAT?! He isn’t even 7 months yet? He is so big. Mine are taller. He has more hair/ This one does this. Your’s does that? Well, mine do this.”

It just kept going, and with each answer I gave, the more awkward I felt. Since I despise the One-Up (and even the One-Down) Mom’s, it makes me feel totally uncomfortable to be forced into answering questions where I feel like I am backed into that corner- the corner of “Well, MY baby can do THIS!”

Ladies, it’s time to cool it. Let’s pump the breaks. In fact, every time a stranger Mom asks me a question, I vow to answer it honestly, and then follow with something completely ridiculous. Something like, “So, how much does your baby poop?” Crazy questions until that Mother realizes it just doesn’t matter.

And I am not saying we shouldn’t share our children’s achievements. I do with all my Mama friends, but that is the difference. These women are my friends. I don’t care if their babies surpass Win. That is what I want to see and hear. I love hearing about other babies making big strides. It fills my heart even more when they are close friends because they feel like my children in this strange way. These are the kids that my child will hang with. PLEASE be awesome!!!!!!

After finding my exit, I walked around thinking more about the strange, secret game of Who’s Baby is the Best, when I had a woman come up and touch Win. A simple touch on the hands, but regardless- Hi. I do not know you. I don’t know the last time you washed your hands.

Before even thinking, I abruptly said “Please do not touch my baby.”

The words feel harsh rolling off my tongue. I never like saying this, and had just patted a woman’s hand off of Win yesterday in a shop, with a simple “No, no.” Maybe I was quick to say something more polite today because of that, but it still felt rude. I turned back to her and apologized, explaining that I felt bad saying that, but I just wasn’t comfortable with it. Very kindly she said she understood, and was apologetic. All of the awkwardness from the original scolding was completely absolved once I was able to explain my own intentions, but it still left me feeling off.

Who knew being a Mom was this strange? Who knew that you would have to tell strangers (yes, multiple) to please not touch your child? That you would have to feel like you were going into Mommy battle, and your armor/weapon is your child? 

It’s a strange world out there for Parents. While I know that this Game of Comparisons is far from over, I think we need to take a minute, relax, and rethink. All babies are perfect, and yes, while they are all perfect, please keep your mitts off the ones you don’t know. 

Signed,

Tyler P. Rider

XO

(But, seriously, you guys. My baby’s double chin is way cooler than your baby’s.)

I’ve discovered baby crack: blinds. I’ve also learned that my child is either longing to get outside, or has an extremely old soul, as he loves to sit by the window and stare. He will watch the gardeners, people walking past, the occasional bird, or his favorite, the neighbor-boy who rides his bike in circles. 

He moves so much these days, and as the crawl morphs from swimming on dry land to actual, real crawling baby-like movements, I am saying “NO!” 10-15 times a day. I promise you, there isn’t a cord, electrical outlet, or gadget this boy hasn’t found, not to mention, LOVED. So the blinds, and staring at the window? Knock yourself out, kid. I know where to find you, at least.

Along with this newfound dangerous curiosity, he has also started throwing fits. If I take something away, it results in a squeal, perhaps a loud cry, or if he is really tired, bashing arms. If I try to sit him down when he wants to be held, he will now arch his back, screaming, as if I plan to leave him in the cold. You, child, are dramatic like your Mama (guilty).

He is loving pears and avocado, yet can do with out bananas, sweet potatoes, oatmeal, and rice cereal. Apparently, you are picky like your Father.

He can go from crawling to sitting in one fair swoop, has started to wave goodbye/hello (okay, once every 5 tries), loves shoes, yet, hates the taste, and has started biting while nursing. This is not my favorite “new” thing. In fact, after giving it a long, hard try, I cannot handle the biting. Needless to say, the 6 months of nursing went amazingly, but I am still sad to be ending our breastfeeding relationship. I tried everything from not making a sound when he bit, giving an inner “OOOOOOOOOOOOOCH” as tears filled my eyes, to removing him and telling him “Do not bite Mommy, that hurts Mommy,” and taking the breast away, which made me feel even more terrible. After asking my Nurse-Sister for advice, I think she said it best:

“If something bites your nipple, you have the right to yell. Pump.”

Touche. Sadly, pumping is about as fun as being bit when you’re working with a manual that gives you about an ounce every three hours (I’m exaggerating. Oh, stop judging, I already told you I am dramatic!). Au Revoir engorged breasts, leak-stained shirts, and the sting of let down. Until next time!

So as I put away the 3-6 (errr, 9) month clothes that were still lingering, trying to entertain my baby while simultaneously preparing to move him back into his own room, it settled in that this is my favorite stage. Little teeth that pop out when he smiles. Unprompted giggles. Messy faces after real food. Your inquisitive nature. Watching you pull yourself up to standing on anything tall, yet nothing secure, smiling the moment you realize you’ve done it, only to take one step and come tumbling down. How you crawl to me (sigh, to ME! Your MOM) when you want to cuddle.

This stage has made me putty in your hands. 

I adore you, Winston.

I adore being your Mom.

XO

Holiday Crafting Part 1

Okay, I know we are barely into November, but I have the Christmas candles burning and Mariah Carey’s Christmas album playing on repeat. Now that I have Win, Santa Claus is totally coming to town early this year.

Maybe it was the horrible pregnancy hormones last year, or the fact that I was pulling 12 hour days/ 6 days a week, but I had absolutely no interest in the holidays. It wasn’t until I walked into my Mother’s home days before Christmas, that I finally felt excited. My Mom has always been a little Holiday obsessed, but there is no where I would rather be during the holidays than her Winter Wonderland. There is no place better to take a nap than in her living room, in front of her tree that’s always decorated to perfection, deliciously smelling of sweet pine.

(Gabby agrees)

Inspired by my Mother and determined to pass along the same love of Christmas to my own son, I decided I would decorate my home this year in homemade, inexpensive goodies (the real decor can wait until the after Christmas sales)!

(The best craft scissors- an old set of training scissors for manikin hair from my days in cosmetology school)

With Sir Crawls-A-Lot roaming our home these days, I have completely ruled out the idea of a tree, so all of my decor will need to be out of tiny hands reach.

First project: JOY.

I pulled some picture frames that have been sitting empty on our television stand for months now (I’m a new parent, throw me a bone here), used left over scrap paper from Win’s Unbirthday, and traced a J, O, and Y from my poster letter stencils (a must have in anyone’s craft box).

A little glue and a little love later- VOILA!

These are now sitting happily in our bathroom.

Joy, indeed.

XO

Win’s Mad Hatter Themed 1/2 Birthday

*Warning, apparently Tumblr isn’t going to allow me to upload photos in text on a photo-specific post, so I am forced to fill up a whole blog with pictures here. Oops!*

(Our 6 month old Mad Hatter)

My beautiful, happy, wonderful blessing of a son turned 6 months on Friday. 6 months. What? Where is time going? Last night as I laid in bed, I started to realize how much faster life moves when you have children. I basically blinked, and half a year passed me by. If time continues to move this quickly, in 40-ish blinks he will be a total adult. 

But let’s talk party.

(Happy Unbirthday Win)

I love get togethers, so when Win’s God Mama suggested a Mad Hatter themed half birthday (“Happy Unbirthday”), I was all in in. I got to the decorations a couple weeks ago, working on them at night in between Win’s Halloween costume and a few Holiday crafts I’ll update you on tomorrow. It’s been extra relaxing having something to zone out on and wind me down at the end of the day. It’s much like cutting hair, in the way that my hands are busy and my mind is on cruise control. I love it.

Food was simple- I baked the cake Friday afternoon, and cheated on the top layer. I kept envisioning a cake with a cupcake at the top, so I went to my favorite cake bakery (Susie Cakes), and splurged $3 on the blue/vanilla topper. I made the 1/2 sign out of left over paper from the flag banners. Cookies were wrapped in wax paper with an “Eat Me” sign on top. I filled Mad Hatter party favor boxes with the aforementioned cookies, candy (half off Halloween candy sales, for the win!) and my favorite- Star Wars suckers (Win was born on May the 4th, Star Wars Day “May the 4th be with you.” :)). For a simple, no fuss food option, we ordered a pizza, and picked up guac and chips from a local Mexican restaurant. A special thanks to the Adams/ O’Neills for supplying the various other treats, chips, dips, fried chicken and drinks! This little man is blessed with some great “family.”

Yesterday was amazing! I think I have eaten my fair share of cake, lemon bars, and cookies to hold me over for the rest of my life. The weather was a bit cold, but lovely as ever, and my little man was his normal happy self. Yay for parties that go off with out a hitch! Well, besides me slipping and falling in the kitchen, but I am glad I was able to supply everyone with a good laugh.

(Game of bags, the cute backyard set up, and my clock on the fence with the time he was born.)

(Daddy is quite happy with his fried chicken and beer)

(His new kitty “Tuva 2” from Uncle David)

(Hangin’ with Mr. Duggins)

(He loves his Uncle David)

(Not to mention the God Mama herself)

(Spoiled rotten with love and attention!)

Total cost for decorations of the Happy Unbirthday: $15.

Happy 6 Months, Mr. Mad Hatter! You have made everyday since May 4th an absolute Wonderland!

Love, Mama 

AND Dada

Win started “crawling” this week. Overnight he stopped going backwards, and started moving forwards. Although he’s yet to perfect it, this crawl seems pretty dang perfect to me. Ian said it best, “It’s like he’s swimming.” Go, baby, go!

XO
Proud Mama

All Rolled Into One

As I mentioned yesterday, we are home, and home for a while. Our trip was absolutely wonderful, filled with so much family. I can’t put into words how lucky I feel to be apart of the Broyles family, and I’m not just saying that because they read my blog, or because my own family isn’t nearly as normal (I’m just kidding, not really, but seriously). They welcomed me with open arms and big hearts, and I feel like Win and I are the two luckiest ducks in the world. Meeting our niece Emerson and being able to have hysterical conversations that you can now so clearly comprehend with our other niece Bridget were the highlights of the trip, for me. I can’t get enough of those two cuties. But, well, it was those things and also being able to spend time with Ian’s sisters. Not to mention all of Nyra’s delicious cooking. Oh, and we can’t forget Wes’s excellent smoked BBQ. Well, there’s also Win’s absolute fascination with his Grandpa that completely melted my heart….Really, I just can’t chose one.

 
I even survived two plane rides, although I was positive we were going down when we arrived back in LA late Monday night in a thick marine layer. You couldn’t see anything but lights through the fog, and I was freaking out. Once my feet were back on the ground, I took a deep a breath, and decided from here on out, I’ll be contacting a psychiatrist before flying.
 
 
Alas, I am home, back to the daily routine of keeping busy. Yesterday was the park, and today was supposed to be a play date, but Ian had a job outside the home to attend, so he took the car. And like most days when he is outside his home office, Win was an inconsolable, pitiful mess. Today was not the best day for both he and I. For the first time in weeks, hell- MONTHS, I had to leave the room from non-stop crying. He wanted to be held, looked in the eye, and nursed all day today. The second I would put him down, he would start wailing. In the past couple of days, he’s learned how to use his voice at will (kindly saying he likes to scream), so now his cries are these half shriek-half sobs things, and they are brutal to hear.
(Thank you, Tylenol, for these thirty minutes of happy baby)
 
I’ve decided that this must be tooth number two. The last time he did this was right before toothie number one popped up, and it was also the last time I thought I was losing my mind. I’m praying the Reverse Tooth Fairy comes tonight, and ends his discomfort. I’ve started to realize that as a parent, there are going to be things you cannot change or protect your child from- pain, being the hardest one to face. There is no book, no Google search response, and no amount of Tylenol to change that.


I’m also realizing that every book, every article and every forum I have scattered looking for answers to every single question I’ve had can’t define parenting. It’s been a game of give and take. I’ve mixed advice that’s in the realm of attachment parenting with bits I’ve learned from Ferberizing. I’ve been an avid breastfeeder who also gives her child formula through out the day. I’ve had great nights of sleep both co-sleeping as well as sleeping alone. Basically, all I am saying is parenting is figuring out what works for you. Bottom line is that since your baby is so unique, just because MrsH72, a Babycenter commenter, claims x worked so well for fixing y and z and IS THE ONLY WAY, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. It’s research, it’s trial and error, and for pete’s sake, if you’re ever worried about your child in a medical sense, just call the damn Doctor. Asking Mama’s on Yahoo! isn’t going to warrant real, sound medical advice.
(I still can’t believe those are the feet that kicked my ribs for months)
 
So now my baby, the child who had me stepping outside of our bedroom to stop myself from ripping my hair out, the sweet innocent lamb of God who had me this close to finding an affordable day care, is finally sleeping peacefully in his crib. And, like clockwork, all I want to do is run in there, sweep him up into my arms, and get him to give me one of those big sweet smiles that I love so much. No matter how badly I fantasize about my nighttime alone time during the day, it’s never as great as I thought it would be come night. I miss my baby the second he is down for the count, and that my friends, is parenthood.
Exhausting, rewarding, terrifying, and incredible all rolled into one.
 
XO

And we’re back! 

I don’t have much time to update, seeing that my son is now keeping me busy with rolling to get from point A to point B. His new favorite place to roll? Under the coffee table.

This would be right after I caught him trying to get a toy using only his mouth. You, my dear, have confused yourself with a puppy as of lately. Also, someone remind me to do a more thorough sweep. 

To tide you over until I have more time to update on the trip, here are pictures of Win and his adorable friend Sadie while at the park today. They kill me. 

XO

PS- Oh dear. As I typed this, I looked over to see Win playing with an extension cord. Guess we are baby proofing tonight!